By: Molly Cole
Content Warning: This piece contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and sexual assault
Photo via Pexels
I am sitting in a puddle of dirty doubt water
The cloud it came from covers the sun and my skin shivers
I'm waiting for a call from the medical centre
I need to ask them about drugs and pretty please can I have them?
My 20 dosage isn't necessarily working
I've spent all day doing my makeup
Now I sit here caked in makeup
that I wasted for a nothing occasion
I think it might be possible to be excited for the future
and still existential and suicidal
I lost access to my online library book and now I don't know how to get it back
Someone logical would probably say contact the library, but I don't think that will do
Last night I think I realized why I so crave and, at the same time, am terrified of intimacy
I think it has to do with my first hookup
It was in a hot tub
He kept trying to put his fingers in my swimsuit bottoms
He wasn't a good kisser, but it didn't matter because
I was too focused on if I was a good kisser for him
20 minutes later my friend's mom came out
We hurriedly left the hot tub and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night
I also didn't talk to him that morning
I think the last time I talked to him was before we started making out
I don't know what all of this means
Maybe it means I should stay away from hot tubs
I'm still sitting in this dirty doubt water
and my toes are freezing and my stomach feels lower down than it should be
I haven't moved for an hour
I've just been staring at the mirror