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dirty doubt water

By: Molly Cole

Content Warning: This piece contains mentions of suicidal thoughts and sexual assault

Photo via Pexels

I am sitting in a puddle of dirty doubt water

The cloud it came from covers the sun and my skin shivers

I'm waiting for a call from the medical centre

I need to ask them about drugs and pretty please can I have them?

My 20 dosage isn't necessarily working

I've spent all day doing my makeup

Now I sit here caked in makeup

that I wasted for a nothing occasion

I think it might be possible to be excited for the future

and still existential and suicidal

I lost access to my online library book and now I don't know how to get it back

Someone logical would probably say contact the library, but I don't think that will do

Last night I think I realized why I so crave and, at the same time, am terrified of intimacy

I think it has to do with my first hookup

It was in a hot tub

He kept trying to put his fingers in my swimsuit bottoms

He wasn't a good kisser, but it didn't matter because

I was too focused on if I was a good kisser for him

20 minutes later my friend's mom came out

We hurriedly left the hot tub and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night

I also didn't talk to him that morning

I think the last time I talked to him was before we started making out

I don't know what all of this means

Maybe it means I should stay away from hot tubs

I'm still sitting in this dirty doubt water

and my toes are freezing and my stomach feels lower down than it should be

I haven't moved for an hour

I've just been staring at the mirror


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